I want to fall in love but also avoid it

Wanting to fall in love and avoiding it is a common contradictory psychological state, usually related to attachment patterns, childhood experiences, or self-awareness. This psychological state may be caused by factors such as lack of secure attachment, traumatic emotional experiences, low self-worth, social anxiety, and avoidant personality tendencies.

1. Lack of secure attachment

Early interaction patterns with caregivers can affect intimate relationships in adulthood. If there is a lack of stable emotional response during childhood, it may lead to a contradictory attachment, both craving intimacy and fearing abandonment. This group of people needs to gradually establish trust in relationships and can explore the impact of early experiences through psychological counseling.

2. Traumatic emotional experiences

Negative experiences such as betrayal, rejection, or PUA in past relationships can form psychological defenses. The amygdala of the brain marks these memories as threats, causing the body to automatically trigger avoidance responses when approaching intimate relationships. Systematic desensitization therapy and mindfulness training can help alleviate this conditioned reflex.

3. Low self-worth

Doubts about one's own attractiveness can make people both want to prove their value through love and fear being denied after exposing their flaws. This cognitive distortion often manifests as an excessive focus on shortcomings while neglecting advantages. The technique of challenging negative automatic thinking in cognitive-behavioral therapy is helpful for such situations.

4. Social anxiety

Excessive worry about awkward situations that may occur in intimate relationships can lead to avoidance behavior. This group of people often overestimate the negative probability of being evaluated, and their actual social skills are not a problem. Gradual social exposure exercises combined with relaxation training can improve symptoms.

5. Avoidant personality tendency

The avoidance component in personality traits can make individuals idealize solitude, believing that intimate relationships inevitably bring constraints. This type of situation requires distinguishing between temporary defense and persistent mode, and professional personality assessment is necessary when it persists for a long time. Focusing on short-term treatment may be more suitable for such cases. Improving this contradictory mentality requires a gradual approach, starting with practicing low stress socializing. Record emotional diaries to identify trigger points and set progressive contact goals. Maintain an appropriate amount of alone time to balance psychological energy and cultivate a support system for extramarital relationships. When the self-regulation effect is limited, seeking professional psychological counseling can more effectively deal with deep patterns. The improvement of intimate relationship fear often takes time, and the focus is on establishing understanding and acceptance of one's own emotions.