How to regulate emotions when couples argue

When couples argue, they can regulate their emotions by pausing the argument, putting themselves in others' shoes, expressing their needs, providing physical comfort, and shifting their attention. Quarrels are usually caused by factors such as poor communication, unmet needs, accumulated stress, personality differences, and external interference.

1. Pause the argument

Stop the conversation immediately when emotions are intense to avoid escalating verbal harm. You can agree on a pause signal, such as saying specific words or making gestures, and both parties need to stop arguing after seeing the signal. Leave the scene of the conflict and calm down in different rooms for 10-15 minutes. During this time, practice deep breathing and gently tap your face with cold water to help calm your physiological arousal state.

2. Put oneself in others' shoes

After calming down, try to understand the root of the conflict from the other person's perspective. Recall the nonverbal signals of the other party at the time of the event, such as changes in facial expressions or inflection points in tone, and analyze the differences in core needs between the two parties. You can use a piece of paper to write down your perceived emotions and needs of the other person, avoiding defensive psychology interference in judgment during face-to-face communication.

3. Expressing Needs

Use a nonviolent communication formula to express feelings, with a sentence structure of factual observation+self perception+specific needs. For example, pointing out the fact of being late, expressing feelings of anxiety while waiting, and requesting advance notice for the next time. Avoid using accusatory language at the beginning and focus on describing the impact of behavior rather than personality evaluations.

4. Physical Comfort

After emotional calm, nonverbal communication can be used to rebuild connections, such as actively holding hands, hugging, and other secure attachment behaviors. Pay attention to the other person's physical feedback during contact, and stop immediately if stiffness or withdrawal occurs. Suitable for natural physical contact when engaging in daily activities together, such as lightly hugging from behind while cooking or leaning your head on your shoulder while watching TV.

5. Shifting Attention

Participating in relaxed activities that require collaboration can relieve tension, such as playing cooperative board games, puzzles, or two player video games. Choose activities with clear rules and common goals, while maintaining eye contact and encouraging language during the process. Outdoor walking is also an ideal choice, as natural environments can lower cortisol levels and walking rhythms help synchronize emotional states. Regular relationship maintenance can prevent frequent arguments, set aside dedicated communication time every week to share recent emotional changes, and establish an emotional diary to record trigger points. Learn emotional management techniques such as mindfulness meditation together and cultivate similar stress reduction methods. Pay attention to sleep quality and nutrient intake. Low blood sugar or fatigue can reduce emotional regulation ability. If the conflict repeatedly exhibits the same pattern and cannot be resolved on its own, it is recommended to seek professional intervention from a partner's psychological counseling.