What if the child's needs cannot be met? Establishing 'subjectivity' and building children's sense of boundaries

When a child is lying on the ground crying and wanting to buy toys, many parents are caught in a dilemma: being satisfied is afraid of spoiling, and refusing is afraid of harm. In fact, this' either or 'thinking itself is problematic - parenting is not a multiple-choice question, but an art of establishing boundaries.

Why do children always test their boundaries?

1. The essential stage of brain development

2-4 years old is the period of self-awareness explosion, during which children confirm their sense of existence by saying "no". Just like computers need to repeatedly click to confirm program response, they are also testing how the world responds to themselves.

2. Alternative demands for a sense of security

Clear and stable boundaries can actually give children a sense of security. Research has found that in families with clear rules, children's emotional stability is 23% higher. Those seemingly capricious behaviors are actually a thirst for certainty Hope.

2. Three key factors for establishing subjectivity

1. Distinguish between "needs" and "wants"

"Needs" are necessities for survival, while "wants" are desires fulfilled. Two piggy banks can be prepared: one for essential expenses and the other for a wish list. Visualization helps children understand differences.

2. Limited choice rights

give children decision-making space above the bottom line. For example, "Today we can only buy one thing, do you choose stickers or cars?" while adhering to principles and respecting autonomy.

3. Gentle yet firm rejection

uses the "sandwich language": affirming feelings+clarifying boundaries+providing alternatives. For example: "Mom knows you really want it (definitely), but this month's toy budget is running out (limit), we can DIY toys at home (substitute)."

3. Invisible gift brought by boundary sense

1. Delayed gratification ability

Stanford marshmallow experiment proves that children who can wait have higher future achievements. Reasonable rejection is precisely cultivating this precious quality.

2. Emotional regulation ability

When children know that certain boundaries will not change due to crying, they will actually calm down faster. Just like a flock of sheep who know the fence is secure, they are more at ease eating grass. After being rejected, children will spontaneously seek other ways of satisfaction. This' alternative thinking 'is the embryonic form of innovation.

4. Handling wisdom for special situations

1. Crying in public places

Pre agree rules: "If you cry, leave". Execute immediately when it really happens, and after a few attempts, the child will establish a connection between behavior and consequences.

2. The basic consensus reached between grandparents and the elderly is that daily small demands can be appropriately met, but principle issues should be unified. Why not establish a 'family convention'.

3. Comparison between children

Replace negative answers with "each family has different rules". For example, "What Xiaoming's family allows may have different regulations in our family. True education occurs when one says' no '. Children who are gently rejected will instead grow up to be more resilient and composed. Remember, setting boundaries is not about limiting, but about drawing safe playground boundaries for children. When children have a clear understanding of where the boundaries lie, they can fully explore the world within a safe range.