The biggest misconception in marriage: It's better to change oneself than to always want to change the other person

Have you ever had such an experience? Although it was for the other person's good, he earnestly advised him to quit smoking and drinking, go to bed and wake up early, but it actually sparked an argument. It's like holding a handful of sand in your hand, the tighter you grip it, the faster it drains away. In the dance of marriage, instead of desperately pulling your partner's arm and forcibly changing your movements, it's better to adjust your own dance steps first. Why do we always want to change our partners?

1. The illusion of love

equates "for your own good" with love, which is affection The most common cognitive bias in confidential relationships. It's like watering a cactus every day, thinking it's caring, but in reality it may backfire. True love is acceptance, not transformation.

2. Security projection

requires the other party to live according to their own standards, essentially obtaining a sense of security through control. It's like making a mold for oneself, forcing the other party into it, only to end up losing both sides.

3. Self compensation psychology

Some people may impose their unfulfilled ideals on their partners, and this compensatory psychology is like letting an apple tree bear oranges, which goes against the laws of nature and is destined to be in vain. Why is it so difficult to change others?

1. The psychology of rebellion

The human brain has a natural resistance to control, just like a spring that bounces back stronger when pressed harder. When changes become commands, even the most reasonable suggestion can trigger defense mechanisms.

2. Habitual stubbornness

A person's thought and behavior patterns formed over many years are like skin that grows on their body. Forcefully peeling off only brings pain, but it is difficult to truly change the essence.

3. Negated sense of value

The demand for change often implies negation, and this invisible attack can make the other party feel frustrated that "I am not good enough", instead reinforcing the original behavior pattern.

3. Changing oneself is the key to breaking the game

1. Adjusting expectations

Admitting that a partner is an independent individual is like accepting that a rose has thorns. Only by transforming the obsession with 'what should he do' into thinking about 'what can I do' can relationships be loosened.

2. Establish positive feedback

Instead of focusing on shortcomings and nagging, it is better to amplify strengths and encourage them. When the other party feels recognized, change will naturally occur like a spring sprout breaking through the soil.

3. Focus on self growth

Use the energy of transforming others to improve oneself, like lighting a lamp, which not only illuminates oneself but also attracts others to actively approach this light. Marriage is not a sculpture competition, one must carve the other person according to their own will. A good relationship is like two adjacent pieces of land, maintaining their own characteristics while naturally growing new possibilities at the junction. When you stop fighting, God Something strange will happen - the person you once desperately wanted to change will quietly start to change in a positive direction. This is probably the gentlest truth of marriage: change always starts with oneself, but the impact happens unconsciously.