Love | How to grow and heal oneself in intimate relationships for people who lack love

People who lack love are like the "energy-saving mode" of the emotional world, always subconsciously lowering their expectations for love. When a partner sends a "what are you doing" greeting, the first reaction is not sweetness but suspicion; When receiving a gift, it's not about being happy, but about figuring out how to reciprocate without owing a favor. This kind of thin ice like way of getting along actually hides the possibility of change.

1. Identify patterns of behavior lacking love

1. Overcompensated behavior

Habitually pleasing partners and prioritizing their needs over oneself. Psychology refers to it as the 'overcompensation mechanism', which is essentially the fear of being abandoned.

2. Emotional Avoidance Tendency

When facing conflicts, either remain silent and cold hearted, or directly break up. This is not a personality issue, but a subconscious activation of a protective program.

3. Over interpretation of details

The partner's failure to respond to messages in a timely manner leads to various plot twists, and this "disastrous thinking" stems from the insecurity in early emotional experiences.

2. Three steps to rebuild a sense of security

1. Establish an emotional ledger

Record three small things that your partner does to make you feel at ease every day, such as helping you tuck yourself in and remembering the taste of milk tea you love to drink. Persisting for 21 days can reshape the brain's sensitivity to love.

2. Set an emotional buffer zone

When anxiety strikes, give yourself 15 minutes of alone time. You can take deep breaths or tidy up your wardrobe to avoid hurting yourself or others during peak emotional periods.

3. Practice nonviolent communication

Replace "you always ignore me" with "I need a hug today" and use expressions of need instead of blame. The Harvard experiment showed that this expression can reduce conflicts by 62%.

3. Support that partners can provide

1. Create deterministic rituals

such as hugs before going out every day and chatting for five minutes before bedtime. Fixed kinship Secret rituals can accumulate a sense of trust.

2. Give verifiable promises

Don't say abstract promises like "I will always love you", but instead say "I will give up overtime this weekend to accompany you to the exhibition". Concrete fulfillment can bring a sense of security to fruition.

3. Maintain moderate transparency

Bring details when reporting your itinerary: "We're at the office, wear the blue shirt you gave us today. The finer the granularity of information, the better it can alleviate anxiety.

4. Auxiliary role of professional methods

1. Box therapy

presents the inner world with a sand table accompanied by a counselor, suitable for people who are not good at expressing themselves. The choice of sand tools often reflects potential emotional trauma.

2. Emotional Focus Therapy

recreates key conflict scenarios through role-playing and practices new coping strategies in a safe environment. Usually, changes can be seen after 8-12 consultations.

3. Mindfulness meditation training

The practice of observing breathing for 10 minutes every day can enhance tolerance to emotional waves. Neuroscience research shows that after 8 weeks of continuous practice, the anxiety center of the brain shrinks by 19%. The true healing is not to become someone who doesn't need love, but to learn to accept love with confidence. Just like a phone needs to be charged, acknowledging one's emotional needs is not shameful. Every time I accept my partner's concern with equanimity, I am rewriting the old program that I feel unworthy of. The most beautiful part of love is that it always gives us a second chance to grow.